Beyond Sunday Dinners: The Power of Structured Family Meetings

Family Council Meeting @BelleHampton

Introduction

Our advisors recommended adopting "Best Practices" for family business, which included establishing a board of advisors and a family council. We started this journey in 2013, shortly after purchasing the company. One of our new board members had personal experience managing his own family business, so we turned to him for guidance to kick things off. After reviewing various topics and resources, we decided to begin with the help of a facilitator. However, even with that support, our start was not as smooth as we had hoped.

Skeptical, our boys—who had just started college—were unsure of what to expect at the first meeting. It began with the patriarch, my husband and their dad, explaining the company and his goals. Their puzzled expressions revealed their wonder about how this related to them. However, our facilitator maintained the discussion. After a few tense exchanges with Dad, the facilitator suggested that the boys take some time to meet informally among themselves to compile a list of questions for their dad. They were left to determine the key questions and work together on deciding who would be the spokesperson.

When we returned to the conference room an hour later from our separate discussion about potential leadership, we couldn't help but wonder how their first joint decision-making exercise had gone. As we stepped inside, we felt ready and open to sharing insights, expecting questions like, "What is the company's worth?" "How do I benefit?" and "Can I take over the company?" To our surprise, none of these questions came up!

However, we were taken aback when we discovered who the newly appointed leader was. Our middle son, the astute engineer with a preference for introspection, the quiet yet thoughtful sibling of the brothers, was chosen to take charge. He studied his yellow pad of paper and began the questioning. His initial inquiry, which he deemed the most pressing of all, was a curious one: “What happens if you move to Tahiti?” Initially puzzled by his perspective, he went on to elaborate, conveying that it felt too blunt and severe to pose the more direct question, “What happens if you get hit by a bus?”  or even more straightforward, die?

Although the question was intriguing, so was the chosen leader. Might he be interested in taking over the company since he is the only engineer in the family, and it is an engineering company? However, as it turned out, none of the boys wanted that responsibility. Working for their father's company was not something they aspired to do.

But to address the question, the facilitator interjected to assure them that their dad was hiring a top-notch team and that the board of advisors would assist in the transition if such a situation ever arose, heaven forbid.

The Concept of Family Council Meetings

Although our first meeting began with a lot of reluctance and questions from the boys, we persevered. As we held more meetings, the tone shifted from a father-son conversation to a dialogue among adults. It took some time for this to happen, but the reward was well worth the investment. However, we were now at a point where we needed to understand the purpose of a family meeting to keep our focus on what is most important. Besides respectful adult conversations, why were we holding family meetings?

Why Hold Family Meetings?

“Families that treasure their traditions and invest in their relationships leave behind more than money—they leave a lasting legacy of connection and purpose.”
– Unknown

Trust is the cornerstone of successfully transferring wealth, values, and goals across generations. Without trust, communication breaks down, leading to misunderstandings about how monetary and non-monetary assets will be distributed. This can jeopardize both family harmony and financial sustainability.

Regular family meetings create a structured opportunity to foster trust, build open communication, and sustain family connections. Over time, these gatherings nurture deeper relationships and help families remain united in their goals and aspirations for future generations.

Our Journey with Family Council Meetings

Starting Out: The Early Days

After our first meeting, when we finally addressed the “elephant in the room” question, we still had work to do to create a trusting environment. A key aspect of our meeting was goal setting. We wanted to share our hopes and dreams with one another to support each other in our endeavors. Since they were in their twenties at the time, their career paths were not yet clearly defined.

When we asked one of our sons to share his goals, he was reluctant to share. What was the concern? Yes, it was still a trust issue. Not only Dad, but also his brothers would judge his goals. What if his goals didn’t live up to everyone’s standards? He asked the question, “What if I wanted to be a bum?” Without missing a beat, his brother responded, “Then we will help you to be the best bum you can be.” After a good chuckle, he realized we were in a safe place to share.

Learning and Adapting

After a series of meetings, we began to feel a growing sense of confidence in our ability to facilitate discussions independently. However, we soon realized we had neglected establishing essential ground rules. Our meetings often felt chaotic and unstructured without a clear code of conduct. Participants were frequently caught in circular conversations, where the same points were revisited without resolution. Some voices dominated the discussions, while others were consistently overshadowed, leaving their valuable input unheard. Additionally, the persistent distraction of phones ringing and buzzing contributed to an unsettling atmosphere, further hindering our efforts to create a productive meeting environment. We were still grappling with finding our rhythm for what constitutes a well-run meeting.

After receiving constructive criticism from each family member, we realized the need to establish a family charter that includes a code of conduct. As a symbol of this change in structure, we purchased a gavel. After all, this isn’t just a casual dinner conversation; it’s a meeting to discuss family matters and requires proper structure.

One of the tools we adopted for constructing our meeting is the format derived from the Entrepreneurial Operating System (EOS) methodology, which provided us with much-needed structure. We intentionally began each meeting with a good news check-in and set clear expectations. We then moved on to discuss metrics, goals, and any issues that needed attention. After each meeting, we rate our performance to see if we met our expectations. We recently adopted a rating scale to capture our performance more effectively (see sample agenda and rating scale).

Key Milestones and Success Stories

From the very beginning, we realized that getting the rising generations involved in our all-day meeting was essential and required their active participation and valuable input. We truly wanted to understand why this mattered to them. This wasn’t just about sticking to traditions set by the patriarch and matriarch; it was about equipping the next generation with the skills and knowledge they need to carry on the family’s legacy in a harmonious way. They should focus on their personal and professional growth, improve their communication skills, and build a foundation of trust among themselves. Each of these aspects is vital for nurturing a united and resilient family dynamic as we move forward together.

Although they were young adults when we began, we recognized the importance of nurturing their interests. We aimed to make the process enjoyable. Each meeting includes activities that encourage movement and interaction, helping to build trust among the participants while having fun. Their unique personalities emerged as they learned to collaborate. We also included a celebration—something they typically don’t experience but would enjoy. These celebrations featured small “goodies” such as unique gifts, books, or even a day to purchase items that would help them create their own legacy.

Conclusion

After a decade of quarterly meetings, we've come a long way. While we're not perfect, our bond has strengthened significantly. We've cultivated an environment where open conversations about tough topics are not only welcomed but encouraged. We uplift each other as we pursue our goals and dreams, nurturing a culture where everyone can strive to be the best version of themselves. What more could we ask for from a meeting than this genuine connection and support?

If you want to learn more about having family meetings (with a family enterprise or not), contact me at madeline@belle-hampton.com.